Children Have Feelings too!
“Hey Adult... down here!!! Yes it's me... your child. Did you forget about me? I feel like you did! I’m confused and scared. I don’t understand what's going on! Can you please talk to me!?”
“Those people on the TV are always saying that everyone is dying. Are we going to die? Are YOU going to die? I don’t want you to die! Is that why I can't see my friends anymore? If we play together, we can die too? When you leave the house, I get scared you might not come back! I hear you cry sometimes. Are you also scared that we are gonna die? I miss our family and friends!”
“Why are you guys always fighting? It's because of me, isn't it? Because I can’t go to school. So you have to stay at home and can't go to work. Is that why we have no money? I’m sorry. I wish I could be in school with my friends and teachers. Then you would go back to work and you guys would stop fighting! But the people on TV said that we can die if we go outside. I’m scared. I don’t want to die. I don't need a birthday or Christmas present okay? Save your money. “
Children have feelings too! Many times we get caught up in life that we seem to forget it. We send them to their rooms; give them access to the latest electronics; when we can, we even buy them that extra toy. We do this to keep them entertained but also because we feel guilty and not like we aren't enough. However, many times what we are giving our children is the exact opposite of what they truly need and want. What they need is quality time. A simple hug (never be the first one to let go) can make them feel like they matter.
Children hear everything, see everything and feel everything. The problem is that most do not yet have the skills it takes to deal with it or understand it. Many just assume that everything “bad” that happens is their fault.
Make time to speak to your child, at their level. Meaning, sit next to them, kneel next to them or even lay next to them. But do not overpower them with your height. It can be intimidating. When was the last time you made complete eye contact with your child and had a loving and caring conversation? Your child’s age does not matter. We adults need it, crave it and long for it but many times we take our children’s emotions for granted.
Children want and need your attention, and they will get it. Your availability, connection and communication with them will determine whether that attention is going to be negative or positive. There is ALWAYS a reason why they behave the way they do! Before reacting or responding, take a minute or two and try to answer the question... “Why are they behaving this way?” While trying to figure out the answer, you may realize that it can be as simple as they do
not know how to express how they truly feel. I’ll repeat, there is always a reason for their behaviour.
Does your child understand “feelings”? Do they know the difference between feeling sad, mad, happy, frustrated, anxious, nervous, excited and so on? Many do not!
TIP- create a simple chart (or print one) showing different types of feelings. Then talk to your child about it, use facial expressions to show the difference. It’s also a great opportunity for a fun activity. And next time, you can ask your child to use the chart to show you how they are feeling.
We all want to feel like someone truly cares about us, your child is no different! It’s not about the quantity but the quality of time you spend with your child. You can create a lifetime memory in 60 minutes, but you can also create distance, chaos and hurt in the same amount of time. Choose wisely.
Most of us are doing our best to deal with everything but many times feel like there aren't enough hours in a day... trust me... I hear you ... you are NOT alone, but a few precious minutes a day can change your relationship with your child forever.
My words are not meant to make you feel guilty, ashamed or sad. Please take my words simply as advice from a parent who’s been there and who also had to learn from someone else.
Parenting does not come with instructions, however by sharing tips, experiences and ideas from a place of no judgement, we can all help each other. It truly takes a village to bring up a child. Be proud of yourself and how far you have become, and always be open to learning. And remember our children have feelings too!
From a fellow parent,
Sonia DaSilva