There was a day recently where I simply felt lost. Totally empty of desire, lacking in motivation. I was scared. I was feeling very alone in the world. Have you ever felt that way?
I stood in my space in my nightgown and knew I should shower, get to work, make some progress and simply be productive. I just could not move. I went to YouTube and thought I would put on a familiar movie that would bring some warm and fuzzy feelings into my life.
As I was deciding what to look for or seek out, my guru Dr. Wayne Dyer came to mind and I was prompted to watch “The Shift”. It is a book he wrote and also a movie done in 2009, available to watch on YouTube. I started to watch it.
I knit for pleasure and just finished a sweater. The left-over yarn had become a bit tangled so while I watched, I decided to roll this left-over yarn into a neat and organized ball. I found the end and began by wrapping the yarn around three of my fingers to begin a ball. I rolled and listened to the movie. Dr. Dyer is a very wise man and his words always bring me home, bring me hope and give me strength when days seem long or especially dark. I know this movie well because I have watched it before, however in learning life’s lessons this kind of a movie has a new lesson to teach every time you watch it.
Like wisdom literature or ancient text, going back to it reveals a deeper and more profound self-discovery when one is in turmoil or struggling with dark times. The Shift is about life’s journey and realization of change and poor behaviours that we fall into. It is a reflection on how life’s monotony, routine and sameness can stifle love, wisdom and passion. How we tend to fall into a routine without watching for the miracles or paying attention to the beauty at hand. It is a message from the very source of being reminded of what is important in life.
As I rolled the yarn on my fingers, I was stopped dead in my rolling tracks by a knot. It was messy and tied up and the more I pulled on it the more it resisted. It was tight and wrapped around itself intimately holding on with the very fibre of its substance. I had to put down the ball, the organized part of the work and concentrate on the tangle. The more I pulled the more tangled it seemed. It was stubborn. I stopped and looked it over. I pulled gently at the outside strands coaxing it gently and with patience. I looked at the neat ball and I looked at the tangles ahead of me. There was a moment where I thought of just tossing the whole thing away, in a box, for another day, and forgetting about it.
Something in me said, “just keep going, I gave you this task for a reason!” So, I continued to work and tease out the tangles. I weathered through the first tangle, listening to the shift on the screen. I watched as the organized ball of yarn became larger and larger. I continued on with the tangled mess and in my darkness, I could see how these represented things in life at times. I mean, at one point the ball was in the chair and the yarn was strung and pulled from the chair across the carpet, up the two stairs, down again, over a grocery bag, over another chair and finished in one large mass on the floor. It was there I could see the other end. The finish line! My destiny, the end!
I picked up the end and thought, “ I wonder if I can work backwards” and started rolling from the other end. The tangles were the same, challenging, yet doable. I just needed patience and wisdom to work it out. I started pulling and weaving and realized it was not a good plan to start at the end, however knowing there was an end made the middle seem less daunting. I appreciated the struggles of getting through the challenges knowing the end would come, eventually. I went back to where I left off. An organized ball, tangles and more tangles but the end was in sight.
I spent the whole morning in my nightie, listening to the words of wisdom from Dr. Dyer and his conversations with others, sorting out my ball of yarn. When I finally rolled the final turn and the end came through my fingers, I felt accomplished. I felt completed. I felt I had done good.
This yarn or this tale is introspective of life’s journey. We get tangled up and we pull, and we are in knots. Often, we simply cannot realize that if we are to relax and tease away at the tangled mess it will fall into organization. It is through the tangles we grow and learn and appreciate our lives. There is a mess of tangles and our fear often comes when we do not expect it. When we cannot find the end, appreciate it, being in it is the hardest part. This is when a deep trust must come over us and we untangle with the collective spiritual wisdom of those before us and those after us. Being present. After all, we are human BEINGS not human DOINGS. Being is often the most needed thing to do, right then, right there!
As I was working with the tangled words of my own life in this morning of darkness and distress, many words popped up to me. Words like ‘help’, ‘alone’, ‘stress’, ‘silence’, and ‘fear’. Then as I listened to these words in my thoughts, words like ‘love’, ‘hope’, ‘today’, ‘tomorrow’, ‘wonderful’, the shift replaced them.
As I worked through the tangles of those in the story on the screen, my own darkness lifted knowing I was not alone, or helpless or silenced. I am in charge of my own happiness and my own life and as I rolled that yarn, a renewed strength flowed over me like warm syrup, coating me from the top down in sweetness. All the words were hidden under the tangles of my perceived darkness and when I took the time to look at the tangles, it did not seem so dark anymore.
Lately, I have stepped away from running, meditating and focusing on my passions and my purpose so I could plan and build business. Ego and financial planning are tangling up my life to a point where it zaps motivation and desire, all that come from my greater ‘why’. My soul contract is to passionately bring excitement and desire to the world. I must watch at all times when I cover it up with EGO planning. Have faith and do, then the rest will fall into place and be planned as planning is needed.
What are the tangles in your life? Can you spread it out on the living room floor and get a good bird’s eye view of it? Can you step back, step out and step up to see where you are in untangling this muddle? Will you take a minute and look at the end, knowing it will come even though you never know when?
One of the greatest learnings from aging adults is how they wish they had spent more time reflecting, loving, hugging and just being once they are in the twilight of their days. Looking at your own death, writing your own eulogy, and pondering what you want people to remember you for will untangle life very quickly. Taking the time to share your tangles with a trusted wisdom walker helps to bring clarity and hope. No one can do it for you, however a good listener is good medicine. Only you can live your life and own the journey. Be in the boat, be your own captain, be in charge of your yarn, tangles and all!
May your yarn be long and strong, withstanding the tangles and knots.
May your yarn be told well and with courage.
May you find your yarn be fulfilling and hope-filled.
May source and the force be with you everyday.
Cynthia Breadner is a soul care worker who offers one-on-one homecare for aging adults who choose to age in place. This care includes emotional support, physical care, mental well-being, and spiritual practices to sooth the soul. She is a volunteer at hospice, LTC chaplain and a death doula, assisting with end-of-life for client and family. She is the founder of GriefCafeBradford and practices soul care in the South Simcoe and North York region. She raises awareness how birth and death, each end of life can both be joy-filled and hopeful passages. [email protected] breakingstibah.com
