“I remember promising myself that should I live
I would prove myself deserving of life.” Terry Fox
Living my life deserving of life:
Sunday May 24th – 35 km cycling: check —
Monday May 25th – 45 km cycling: check …
Hill Sprints (running up a hill) with my three-year-old grandson?
Priceless
Terry Fox found inner strength … strength he did not know he had! What does it mean to feel strong? Mentally strong? Physically strong? Emotionally strong? There are many areas we can be strong while in other areas we struggle. It is when we are in a state of dis-ease, dis-array, dis-proportion … that we struggle with motivation, finding passion and energy. I know that feeling. I have spent many days where I could not lift my head off the pillow …. I would just sit at the computer and just stare at social media and, when I was drinking, reconciled it was justified having a glass of wine with my lunch. I know what it feels like to be down, out, overwhelmed and depressed. I was dis-eased, out of ease, and out of sync with the world.
I chose to fight and find passion and motivation again and worked hard doing so. It was so difficult some days and all I managed to do was to get out of bed and get dressed and go to work … that said, THAT is what saved me, just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. The tiny habits of simply doing something, anything that can be celebrated. I love BJ Fogg’s approach through tiny habits that change behaviour and, that in turn, changes your life.
I did not start out cycling 35 – 45 kms in one go! I also did not start out running 10+ km in one go either. I vividly remember thinking to myself one day … “I cannot imagine running 10 kms.” and that was that. I could not imagine doing it, so I never even thought about it. In March of 2017 my daughter birthed her first child and was beginning to train again to get back to where she had been pre-pregnancy. She is a runner, cyclist and swimmer; a triathlete (In 2019 she completed a half Ironman).
She said, “Mom you should train for a tri-a-tri!” and with the birth of my baby grandson came the birth of my now routine. I began there. I could not necessarily imagine doing a tri-a-tri (350 m. swim, 10 kms bike, 2.5 km run) what I could imagine was training with my beloved daughter because she believed in me. I found this touched my strength inside. She believed in me, which then sparked a belief in myself.
That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship with my fitness again …. it was a start! A change in my behaviour that changed my life. I began there. The first race I did was a 5 km and I walked and ran my way through it. The second race I did, again a 5 km, I ran as long as I could and then began walking … my daughter passed me and she regaled as she went by, “way to go Mom, you did 1.3 kms before walking!” I was elated … celebration time.
When we trust the strength we have inside of ourselves the well is deep. It is endless and the potential for successful living is exponentially increased. So exciting … it is possible. Since that season in 2017, I have completed a half marathon and have seven finisher medals and 15 bibs hanging on my wall. I have gone completely alcohol free and have passionately cleaned up my eating habits … except for ice cream! I love ice cream! I am 60+ years old! I have dreams and aspirations to race and cycle in places around the world and will one day qualify for the world’s multi-sport when racing is happening again. Until then I look after me, I race with me, I run and bike for me with me and I have found my strength inside. You can too!
Over my lifetime I have found many reasons and many ways to get in my own way. I have also looked at hurdles I then chose not to overcome, I found ditches I chose to die in, I spent so much time finding ways to be down and out, lifeless and lacking in joy. I realize now how much of happiness is a choice. When times are tough, when the chips are down, when the darkness is thick …. Where do you choose your light to come from?
Cynthia Breadner is a soul care worker who offers one-on-one homecare for aging adults who choose to age in place. This care includes emotional support, physical care, mental well-being, and spiritual practices to sooth the soul. She is a volunteer at hospice, LTC chaplain and a death doula, assisting with end-of-life for client and family. She is the founder of GriefCafeBradford and practices soul care in the South Simcoe and North York region. She raises awareness how birth and death, each end of life can both be joy-filled and hopeful passages. [email protected] breakingstibah.com
